No Ground Rules

Note: This blog may not be for everyone. Try it on for size anyway.

As I continue to experience the perpetual terror of paranoia involving accusations of debauchery any time I commit an act of physical affection towards my darling fellow, I have begun to realize how skewed and confusing the adult perception of modesty is. There don’t seem to be any ground rules. I mean, any fool can gather that the basic theme of all these rules is the standard: DON’T HAVE SEX. That’s quite obvious. But what about all of the in-between business? All of the things you can do that will not result in pregnancy? To many teenagers, these seem like freebies. But at what point do these little non-impregnating actions become offensive? And at what age do they become allowed? I still haven’t gathered a basic consensus, save for the main idea that I should never, under any circumstance, let an adult catch me in the act of committing one.

Even one adult can’t seem to give ground rules. They might say that they expect you’ll be curious about each other. They tell you that they’d certainly expect you to have been naked together, naturally, and that this is perfectly fine. But then they also mention that, if they should need to access you, they’d rather you didn’t need to hurriedly throw on your clothes at the last moment as they opened the door (which must, naturally, be left open so, in case you get more “curious” than is appropriate, it will be visible for all to see). Well, then I think that, with this openness to curiosity declared, I should feel less fear in admitting which non-impregnating but, in grandmotherly standards, generally inappropriate acts I have committed, so as to establish an understanding and not feel the daily guilt of having concealed a part of my life from an adult I respect, when I never do so in any other area and honestly feel that I really have done nothing compromising to my modesty, reputation, or womb. Except that, shortly after this relieving sense of security, a wave of reality washes over me as I realize that there is a fine line between curiosity and an actual desire to pleasure oneself, which seems terribly inappropriate but really seems silly to scoff at when ninety-nine percent of teenagers masturbate regularly anyhow.

I sincerely wish that all parents and adults who watch over their rabbit-like youngsters would be forced to sit down at an opportune moment in their lives and write a detailed manual declaring what is and is not allowed, what should and should not be confessed in the privacy of a teen’s own home, and which acts will be considered natural and which acts will result in the teenager being placed in solitary confinement after having her ovaries removed.

I quite understand the desire of a parent to ensure that their child is not involving themselves in acts compromising to their mental health or sense of morals. If a girl were engaging in these non-impregnating acts with every boy she went out with for a week, it would naturally be the parent’s duty to maintain some set of boundaries. But if two young people are very in love and respect each other and aren’t mating like rabbits on every street corner, certainly some level of trust deserves to exist. If two such people happened to engage in such non-impregnating acts, certainly a relationship with such depth would serve as a grand foundation for a young person to learn about physical passion and pleasure, and not prove to be a cause of later regret.

I think the whole affair of parents and their hormonal teenagers is quite an overblown and silly affair. Frankly, with all of the education teenagers receive on sex and pregnancy, if a girl with parents who care that much still manages to get herself knocked up, it’s her own damn fault and she can deal with the consequences. And yes, I know that everyone says you can get caught in the heat of the moment, but if it’s really that steamy, you’d think a blowjob would suffice if you stopped for one moment to consider the wreckage of one’s life as a result of having a baby at sixteen. Contrary to Hollywood’s portrayal, it’s not like you can even just dive into sex at the exact moment the decision is made. Zippers do not, unfortunately, dissolve into thin air and magically reappear within the afterglow. You have to get situated, find a good position, confirm your partner’s gender etc., which is certainly adequate time to realize that no, now would not be a good time to have a “baby on board” when my current main concern is the fact that I’m failing Geometry.

With that said, I think parents should encourage their children to engage in and become comfortable with non-impregnating acts such as oral sex, because when things get really steamy, remember: There are better things you can do! Most teenagers just don’t get that creative because that sort of education just isn’t appropriate.

I hope you’re not offended, because I feel much better. I think I’ll go have an utterly decent, modest, door-wide-open, fully-clothed make-out session with my dearest, darling teenaged partner now.