I sort of forgot about blogging.

Everything's been crazy. But a good sort of crazy with just a few sad things.

I finally moved out of the worst house of my life and am living with Cammie, the way it was supposed to be. I have a beautiful room in a beautiful little apartment with a beautiful new bed of my own and a beautiful desk of my own and beautiful new sheets and...Well, I could really cry with happiness over how good things are here. I see my mom twice a week at least and can enjoy her company without the pain that sometimes comes from living with her. It's a good compromise. Cammie and I don't fight much and we get over it quickly. We know each other so well we know when it's okay to talk again.

I think I've come to terms with my loneliness at school. I've grown so accustomed to being alone that I get uncomfortable when I do have anyone with me. So it seems that being alone is natural for me now. Whenever I make friends, I never seem to be able to keep them. They move, they change schools, or I, in my infinite wisdom and superiority complex, realize how immature they are and avoid them until they hate me. And the best thing about not being noticed at all is that people rarely can think of a reason to make fun of you. They just don't see you, is all. This makes me feel less like there's a void and more like I'm satisfied with myself. Being alone can be a strong thing. I can be strong all on my own, yes I can.

Sometimes I see him and I see another girl with him every few weeks and I just wish someone would tell them. DON'T YOU GET IT?! He'll just change his mind once he realizes you want more than to just let him in your pants. Sometimes I laugh at the immaturity of it all, this flaming desire for adult things inside the body of a child. But other times I just feel anger in me. Not jealousy, but just regret that I was the first to find out, in my naivety, and not the last. So many girls who know nothing about love and everything about falling for cheap charm have followed me. But I guess we all have to learn sometimes.

I feel so free now that I'm rid of her. Since I moved out of my dad's, I have barely even spoken to my stepmother. Just thinking of her disgusts me and I will do everything in my power to never see her again. She, in all of her self-centered glory, has ruined everything that my father and I once had. Since I moved out, we've been out together once. Our relationship is gone and, no matter how many songs I try to write about it, my sadness cannot be expressed. The problem is that it's been this way for so long, even before her. He never knew how to make us feel important. The difference now is that he's not allowed to, is terrified to. So there's really no chance at all. Sometimes I'm so angry at him but, in the end, the only one I blame is her. He has always been weak and she is taking advantage of him.

Cammie just wants to hate him and doesn't want to talk to him or look at him. She's sort of disowned him, I guess. Sometimes, when I try to get him to recognize me, she says "Why do you care? Why should he even matter?" Because we had so much more once. I've always felt like we had a special relationship because we have so much more in common than he and my other sisters do. We used to have so much fun and we have so many memories. I'm so proud of who he is. I understand him better than anyone in the world only he doesn't even know it. But I do. I love him better than anyone could. Only he doesn't see it, doesn't know what he's losing.

No words can express my grief. I've lost one of my best friends and biggest heroes. But it's not the kind of grief where I sob and mourn and don't want anyone else. It's a subtle, creeping grief that engulfs me from time to time and reminds me that, in wanting something better, I've lost something awfully important. I hadn't meant to. I'd never even thought of it as being connected. It's a sneaky sort of grief, the kind that nibbles my toes and my tummy and eyes until I cry a little and sigh a little and try to write a song a little that sounds a little dreadful.

This blog sounds sad but I really am happy these days. Only I talk about the happy so much in everyday life that I've been putting the sad parts away because I want everyone to know how happy I am. Before, I wanted everyone to know how sad I was so they could hate my stepmother with me and tell my dad to LET ME OUT. But now I want everyone to know how happy I am so they'll know I was right.

But, no matter how happy I am, there will always be sad things. I guess that's part of being human.