Stuck

You chose this
No, I didn’t
I never wanted to before
And then opportunity opened another door
And a light shone through
I walked towards it in hope
And now
Again
I’m stuck.
Every moment
I feel scrutinized
She’ll remember this later
When I’ve done it again
And there are so many things to get used to
This isn’t my life, this has never been my life!
Of course I hate it!
But I wouldn’t ask you to change it
Because this is your life
I’m the one intruding
And yet I feel like your eyes
That burn into me all the time like fiery embers
See me as ungrateful, as difficult
I don’t talk
I hate to talk
I will adjust and I will grow
But I won’t change who I am
And so
I’m stuck.
I feel like a visitor in a hotel
With all of the predestined art around me
Blankets already laid out for me
My few items spread about to make it feel like home
But it’s not
If you only you knew how homeless I feel
And I feel so homesick for something
I can never go back to
For a home
I don’t even have
I wouldn’t take back the fighting
I wouldn’t take back the neglect
I wouldn’t take back the heartache
But it feels as if all of that
Was just as bad as the way I feel now
Trapped and stuck
And the light is so far in the distance that
I sometimes wonder if it was just an illusion
To convince me to do what is right
Though what is right hurts just as much
As staying with what was wrong.
No one understands, really
No one can quite comprehend how it feels
To have to keep your identity inside yourself
Every moment
And so I feel just as if I were in a dream
And someone was chasing me and
I screamed and screamed and screamed
And no sound came out
No sound comes ever comes out
So I just cry and cry and cry
As silently as I can
So that my pain can be a part of the life
I live inside of me each day
And the rest of me can fit into the life
You lay out for me each day
And I feel like
Again
I’m stuck.