you ignore me and make me look annoying for bothering you about something important.
you watch too much television.
you act like i'm not responsible for my own issues.
you put it like i don't deserve to do anything for myself once in a while because you think i can't take care of my own shit.
you make me feel small.
you're supposed to be better and you're not.
you make a big deal out of nothing and ruin my good mood.
you're really, really dramatic.
that's not all about one person, on a sidenote.
people are just frustrating.
i want to be a good-hearted person but sometimes i have the meanest thoughts.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
outspoken
Whew, lots of stuff going on.
My birthday was two Fridays ago and I swear I am never having a party again. I am in huge trouble because I asked that my dad come to my party without his wife. I’ll never hear the end of that from everyone who loves her, but there’s no way she could possibly have come without getting punched by someone who doesn’t like her. It was really hard because I wanted my dad there but I didn’t want all of this grumpiness and negativity being covered up by everyone else there who doesn’t like her. So I told my dad not to come because he said I was going to get him a divorce and she was extremely hurt and mad at me. It was a horrible feeling, knowing that he would never stand up to her, even on my birthday. But that’s what he constantly proves to me…I’ll always be second. I suppose I ought to get over it. The worst part is he’s blaming it on my sister’s “bad attitude” because I expressed that, while I could pretend to be nice to his wife, I knew Cammie and her boyfriend would be covering up negativity that I didn’t want present. So he decided to blame it on her. Completely unfair.
Then, my gramma informed me that my cousin and her son would be there the weekend of my party. Now, I have little against my cousin, but the thing is that I don’t know her and we have no relationship. We’re complete opposites in every way and I hardly ever see her. She had a baby at 16 and, while I’m constantly being reminded not to judge her, it seems to me like she’s changed her ways very little and I can’t find enough reasons to respect her. Furthermore, she and her parents have expressed subtly that they don’t much care for our family. I told my gramma that, while she could come, I thought it’d best if she didn’t because it’d just be awkward for everyone, and apparently people are mad at me for that, too.
Now, I’m not one to often stand up for myself. Now and then I’ll get up the courage to send a strongly worded email or something of the sort, but I’m generally a compromiser. I just thought that, on this particular day of my birthday, I could actually call the shots on a few things. And even in doing so, I made an effort to be polite and respectful to people. However, it was all completely misconstrued and I ended up sounding like a snobby bitch with no compassion. Families can be so understanding sometimes.
Lately, I’ve been finding it harder and harder to express my feelings without being judged or made to look like the villain. I am sort of remembering why I usually keep my thoughts to myself.
People always tell you not to let yourself be walked on, to express your feelings, to be honest. But when I finally get the courage to do so, I find myself being trampled on with judgment. It’s so hard because I want to be honest and tell people my thoughts and desires, but how do you do so without making people think you’ve changed for the worse? Do you just have to become stone and not care if people think you’re terrible? I’m usually not the one getting involved in drama and suddenly…there’s plenty of it. I think I’ll lay low for a while until people forget I ever spoke up.
Also I just ran out of the feeling that I wanted to write, so I’m just going to post this and write again some other time.
My birthday was two Fridays ago and I swear I am never having a party again. I am in huge trouble because I asked that my dad come to my party without his wife. I’ll never hear the end of that from everyone who loves her, but there’s no way she could possibly have come without getting punched by someone who doesn’t like her. It was really hard because I wanted my dad there but I didn’t want all of this grumpiness and negativity being covered up by everyone else there who doesn’t like her. So I told my dad not to come because he said I was going to get him a divorce and she was extremely hurt and mad at me. It was a horrible feeling, knowing that he would never stand up to her, even on my birthday. But that’s what he constantly proves to me…I’ll always be second. I suppose I ought to get over it. The worst part is he’s blaming it on my sister’s “bad attitude” because I expressed that, while I could pretend to be nice to his wife, I knew Cammie and her boyfriend would be covering up negativity that I didn’t want present. So he decided to blame it on her. Completely unfair.
Then, my gramma informed me that my cousin and her son would be there the weekend of my party. Now, I have little against my cousin, but the thing is that I don’t know her and we have no relationship. We’re complete opposites in every way and I hardly ever see her. She had a baby at 16 and, while I’m constantly being reminded not to judge her, it seems to me like she’s changed her ways very little and I can’t find enough reasons to respect her. Furthermore, she and her parents have expressed subtly that they don’t much care for our family. I told my gramma that, while she could come, I thought it’d best if she didn’t because it’d just be awkward for everyone, and apparently people are mad at me for that, too.
Now, I’m not one to often stand up for myself. Now and then I’ll get up the courage to send a strongly worded email or something of the sort, but I’m generally a compromiser. I just thought that, on this particular day of my birthday, I could actually call the shots on a few things. And even in doing so, I made an effort to be polite and respectful to people. However, it was all completely misconstrued and I ended up sounding like a snobby bitch with no compassion. Families can be so understanding sometimes.
Lately, I’ve been finding it harder and harder to express my feelings without being judged or made to look like the villain. I am sort of remembering why I usually keep my thoughts to myself.
People always tell you not to let yourself be walked on, to express your feelings, to be honest. But when I finally get the courage to do so, I find myself being trampled on with judgment. It’s so hard because I want to be honest and tell people my thoughts and desires, but how do you do so without making people think you’ve changed for the worse? Do you just have to become stone and not care if people think you’re terrible? I’m usually not the one getting involved in drama and suddenly…there’s plenty of it. I think I’ll lay low for a while until people forget I ever spoke up.
Also I just ran out of the feeling that I wanted to write, so I’m just going to post this and write again some other time.
Monday, May 24, 2010
I sort of forgot about blogging.
Everything's been crazy. But a good sort of crazy with just a few sad things.
I finally moved out of the worst house of my life and am living with Cammie, the way it was supposed to be. I have a beautiful room in a beautiful little apartment with a beautiful new bed of my own and a beautiful desk of my own and beautiful new sheets and...Well, I could really cry with happiness over how good things are here. I see my mom twice a week at least and can enjoy her company without the pain that sometimes comes from living with her. It's a good compromise. Cammie and I don't fight much and we get over it quickly. We know each other so well we know when it's okay to talk again.
I think I've come to terms with my loneliness at school. I've grown so accustomed to being alone that I get uncomfortable when I do have anyone with me. So it seems that being alone is natural for me now. Whenever I make friends, I never seem to be able to keep them. They move, they change schools, or I, in my infinite wisdom and superiority complex, realize how immature they are and avoid them until they hate me. And the best thing about not being noticed at all is that people rarely can think of a reason to make fun of you. They just don't see you, is all. This makes me feel less like there's a void and more like I'm satisfied with myself. Being alone can be a strong thing. I can be strong all on my own, yes I can.
Sometimes I see him and I see another girl with him every few weeks and I just wish someone would tell them. DON'T YOU GET IT?! He'll just change his mind once he realizes you want more than to just let him in your pants. Sometimes I laugh at the immaturity of it all, this flaming desire for adult things inside the body of a child. But other times I just feel anger in me. Not jealousy, but just regret that I was the first to find out, in my naivety, and not the last. So many girls who know nothing about love and everything about falling for cheap charm have followed me. But I guess we all have to learn sometimes.
I feel so free now that I'm rid of her. Since I moved out of my dad's, I have barely even spoken to my stepmother. Just thinking of her disgusts me and I will do everything in my power to never see her again. She, in all of her self-centered glory, has ruined everything that my father and I once had. Since I moved out, we've been out together once. Our relationship is gone and, no matter how many songs I try to write about it, my sadness cannot be expressed. The problem is that it's been this way for so long, even before her. He never knew how to make us feel important. The difference now is that he's not allowed to, is terrified to. So there's really no chance at all. Sometimes I'm so angry at him but, in the end, the only one I blame is her. He has always been weak and she is taking advantage of him.
Cammie just wants to hate him and doesn't want to talk to him or look at him. She's sort of disowned him, I guess. Sometimes, when I try to get him to recognize me, she says "Why do you care? Why should he even matter?" Because we had so much more once. I've always felt like we had a special relationship because we have so much more in common than he and my other sisters do. We used to have so much fun and we have so many memories. I'm so proud of who he is. I understand him better than anyone in the world only he doesn't even know it. But I do. I love him better than anyone could. Only he doesn't see it, doesn't know what he's losing.
No words can express my grief. I've lost one of my best friends and biggest heroes. But it's not the kind of grief where I sob and mourn and don't want anyone else. It's a subtle, creeping grief that engulfs me from time to time and reminds me that, in wanting something better, I've lost something awfully important. I hadn't meant to. I'd never even thought of it as being connected. It's a sneaky sort of grief, the kind that nibbles my toes and my tummy and eyes until I cry a little and sigh a little and try to write a song a little that sounds a little dreadful.
This blog sounds sad but I really am happy these days. Only I talk about the happy so much in everyday life that I've been putting the sad parts away because I want everyone to know how happy I am. Before, I wanted everyone to know how sad I was so they could hate my stepmother with me and tell my dad to LET ME OUT. But now I want everyone to know how happy I am so they'll know I was right.
But, no matter how happy I am, there will always be sad things. I guess that's part of being human.
I finally moved out of the worst house of my life and am living with Cammie, the way it was supposed to be. I have a beautiful room in a beautiful little apartment with a beautiful new bed of my own and a beautiful desk of my own and beautiful new sheets and...Well, I could really cry with happiness over how good things are here. I see my mom twice a week at least and can enjoy her company without the pain that sometimes comes from living with her. It's a good compromise. Cammie and I don't fight much and we get over it quickly. We know each other so well we know when it's okay to talk again.
I think I've come to terms with my loneliness at school. I've grown so accustomed to being alone that I get uncomfortable when I do have anyone with me. So it seems that being alone is natural for me now. Whenever I make friends, I never seem to be able to keep them. They move, they change schools, or I, in my infinite wisdom and superiority complex, realize how immature they are and avoid them until they hate me. And the best thing about not being noticed at all is that people rarely can think of a reason to make fun of you. They just don't see you, is all. This makes me feel less like there's a void and more like I'm satisfied with myself. Being alone can be a strong thing. I can be strong all on my own, yes I can.
Sometimes I see him and I see another girl with him every few weeks and I just wish someone would tell them. DON'T YOU GET IT?! He'll just change his mind once he realizes you want more than to just let him in your pants. Sometimes I laugh at the immaturity of it all, this flaming desire for adult things inside the body of a child. But other times I just feel anger in me. Not jealousy, but just regret that I was the first to find out, in my naivety, and not the last. So many girls who know nothing about love and everything about falling for cheap charm have followed me. But I guess we all have to learn sometimes.
I feel so free now that I'm rid of her. Since I moved out of my dad's, I have barely even spoken to my stepmother. Just thinking of her disgusts me and I will do everything in my power to never see her again. She, in all of her self-centered glory, has ruined everything that my father and I once had. Since I moved out, we've been out together once. Our relationship is gone and, no matter how many songs I try to write about it, my sadness cannot be expressed. The problem is that it's been this way for so long, even before her. He never knew how to make us feel important. The difference now is that he's not allowed to, is terrified to. So there's really no chance at all. Sometimes I'm so angry at him but, in the end, the only one I blame is her. He has always been weak and she is taking advantage of him.
Cammie just wants to hate him and doesn't want to talk to him or look at him. She's sort of disowned him, I guess. Sometimes, when I try to get him to recognize me, she says "Why do you care? Why should he even matter?" Because we had so much more once. I've always felt like we had a special relationship because we have so much more in common than he and my other sisters do. We used to have so much fun and we have so many memories. I'm so proud of who he is. I understand him better than anyone in the world only he doesn't even know it. But I do. I love him better than anyone could. Only he doesn't see it, doesn't know what he's losing.
No words can express my grief. I've lost one of my best friends and biggest heroes. But it's not the kind of grief where I sob and mourn and don't want anyone else. It's a subtle, creeping grief that engulfs me from time to time and reminds me that, in wanting something better, I've lost something awfully important. I hadn't meant to. I'd never even thought of it as being connected. It's a sneaky sort of grief, the kind that nibbles my toes and my tummy and eyes until I cry a little and sigh a little and try to write a song a little that sounds a little dreadful.
This blog sounds sad but I really am happy these days. Only I talk about the happy so much in everyday life that I've been putting the sad parts away because I want everyone to know how happy I am. Before, I wanted everyone to know how sad I was so they could hate my stepmother with me and tell my dad to LET ME OUT. But now I want everyone to know how happy I am so they'll know I was right.
But, no matter how happy I am, there will always be sad things. I guess that's part of being human.
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