outspoken

Whew, lots of stuff going on.

My birthday was two Fridays ago and I swear I am never having a party again. I am in huge trouble because I asked that my dad come to my party without his wife. I’ll never hear the end of that from everyone who loves her, but there’s no way she could possibly have come without getting punched by someone who doesn’t like her. It was really hard because I wanted my dad there but I didn’t want all of this grumpiness and negativity being covered up by everyone else there who doesn’t like her. So I told my dad not to come because he said I was going to get him a divorce and she was extremely hurt and mad at me. It was a horrible feeling, knowing that he would never stand up to her, even on my birthday. But that’s what he constantly proves to me…I’ll always be second. I suppose I ought to get over it. The worst part is he’s blaming it on my sister’s “bad attitude” because I expressed that, while I could pretend to be nice to his wife, I knew Cammie and her boyfriend would be covering up negativity that I didn’t want present. So he decided to blame it on her. Completely unfair.

Then, my gramma informed me that my cousin and her son would be there the weekend of my party. Now, I have little against my cousin, but the thing is that I don’t know her and we have no relationship. We’re complete opposites in every way and I hardly ever see her. She had a baby at 16 and, while I’m constantly being reminded not to judge her, it seems to me like she’s changed her ways very little and I can’t find enough reasons to respect her. Furthermore, she and her parents have expressed subtly that they don’t much care for our family. I told my gramma that, while she could come, I thought it’d best if she didn’t because it’d just be awkward for everyone, and apparently people are mad at me for that, too.

Now, I’m not one to often stand up for myself. Now and then I’ll get up the courage to send a strongly worded email or something of the sort, but I’m generally a compromiser. I just thought that, on this particular day of my birthday, I could actually call the shots on a few things. And even in doing so, I made an effort to be polite and respectful to people. However, it was all completely misconstrued and I ended up sounding like a snobby bitch with no compassion. Families can be so understanding sometimes.

Lately, I’ve been finding it harder and harder to express my feelings without being judged or made to look like the villain. I am sort of remembering why I usually keep my thoughts to myself.

People always tell you not to let yourself be walked on, to express your feelings, to be honest. But when I finally get the courage to do so, I find myself being trampled on with judgment. It’s so hard because I want to be honest and tell people my thoughts and desires, but how do you do so without making people think you’ve changed for the worse? Do you just have to become stone and not care if people think you’re terrible? I’m usually not the one getting involved in drama and suddenly…there’s plenty of it. I think I’ll lay low for a while until people forget I ever spoke up.

Also I just ran out of the feeling that I wanted to write, so I’m just going to post this and write again some other time.